


Jewel of the Forest

by GUROGAN



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:27:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23024005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GUROGAN/pseuds/GUROGAN
Summary: Feldspar, world renowned thief of the Land of Zaron, is tasked by Kupa Keep to steal one of the most prized jewels kept secret by the Barbarian tribes of the North, called The Bloodline Emerald. While Feldspar is dubious regarding the actual existence of the Bloodline Emerald, he soon meets a blond barbarian who may hold the key to finding the elusive gem.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	Jewel of the Forest

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is a very very rough draft of the story. Ya boy has had a very long year full of writers block due to depression and other not fun stuff. I just barely got back into writing the last couple of months so hopefully I can finish up/continue the other stories I have on here! Unfortunately, this fic will have very sporadic updates due to my full-time job and I'm starting college again soon. 
> 
> -A very tired dude named Seb

Feldspar grumbled under his breath as he tried to cut a persistent vine from his ankle with his knife, already exhausted from his two day trek from the Kingdom of Kupa Keep to the outer tree line of the Northern Forest. He cursed his luck as he accidentally nicked the skin of his ankle, causing blood to appear in a jagged line. The thief shrugged off the minor injury and successfully freed himself from the vine and continued his journey deeper into the foreboding and dark forest. His mind set on advancing into the woods and finding a proper place to make shelter.

It was hard to tell whether the sun was starting to set or if the dense trees normally made the trail look like twilight had fallen, nevertheless feldspar walked on until he felt another vine wrap around his calf. This time, rather than a slim and frail vine, this one was far stronger and sturdier as it was located further in the forest rather than just the outskirts.

“Goddammit.” Feldspar muttered before unsheathing his knife once more and began cutting at the tendril crawling up his thigh while it’s leaves lapped at the blood on his ankle.

“Get the fuck off of me!” He growled while slashing as more vines, seemingly provoked by the smell of blood, advanced towards him. The thief doubled his efforts while trying to extract himself from the plants, but it was quickly becoming apparent that it was no use as the vines began wrapping around his lower abdomen. He bit back a groan of pain as the vines' thorns pressed into his skin, drawing more blood to feed upon.

“Oh fuck!” The thief cried out as he was picked up off of the ground and thrown into a tree just as he heard another voice yell above his own. He felt a sharp pain as his back slammed against the wood, leaving his lungs breathless and possibly more than one rib cracked, if the stinging agony in his chest was anything to go by.

“A-Are you o-okay, man?!” He heard the same voice call out to him, but before he could respond with a hearty “ _Of-fucking-course I’m not fine! Fuck you!_ ” his vision blurred and eventually he passed out, slumping against the tree while something was slapping his face none too gently.

_“What do you want, fatass?” The thief asked, despite the harshness of his words there was no malice in his usually monotonous voice. The Grand Wizard of Kupa Keep frowned and yelled “I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!” before regaining his composure with a sigh._

_“Listen Feldspar, I have a very important task that only the most noble and skilled thief can accomplish.” The Grand Wizard said, making sure to lay on the praise thick despite Feldspar not being one to fall for such schmoozing._

_“And? I’m not a fucking mind reader, Grand Wizard.” Feldspar retorted, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes when the Grand Wizard cursed at him._

_“Look here thief, we’re fucking broke and we need more gold to fund our war against that fucking dickhole Jew Elf_ _King, okay? That’s why I need you to steal a very important - and expensive - jewel from the Barbarian tribe in the Northern Forest.” The Grand Wizard continued b_ _efore gesturing for a scroll which was handed to him by Paladin Butters. He opened it and showed Feldspar the crude drawing of what seemed to be a green blob._

_“What the fuck is that supposed to be?” Feldspar deadpanned, not even bothering to take a closer look at the scroll._

_“What the fuck does it look like, Feldspar?! It’s a goddamn emerald, you dumbass!” The Grand Wizard said, throwing the scroll to the thief._

_“The Bloodline Emerald?” Feldspar peered at the shitty handwriting, trying to decipher what the words were._

_“Yes, thief. It’s the most prized possession of the Northern Barbarians and has the highest bounty of any known jewel. If we get this, we’ll have enough money to beat the shit out of that fucking Jew Elf and his gay little army!” The Grand Wizard laughed maniacally before turning to the thief in anticipation of his answer._

_“Nah. I don’t want to.” The Grand Wizard blinked and then launched his fat body off of his throne._

_“What the fuck do you mean you ‘don’t want to’? This is the biggest bounty of your life! Jesus, Feldspar stop being a little puss!” He yelled, pointing a fat gloved finger at the thief._

_“First of all, it says here that it’s a rumored jewel. Meaning that it probably doesn’t even exist.” Feldspar explained, pointing to the words that had confirmed what he had just said._

_“Of course it fucking exist, Feldspar. The Jewel is passed down from the old tribe leader to the new leader and is rumored to even select the new leader -!”_

_“Secondly,” Feldspar cut in, “I know absolutely nothing about the Northern Tribes and have never been to the Northern Forest. It’s too risky for no guaranteed return. I’m a fucking thief, not a goddamn miracle worker, Grand Wizard.”_

_“Listen here you little shit, how hard can it be steal from some dumbass, uneducated savages?! If you get that stupid jewel, I’ll make it more than worthwhile for you! I’ll give you 20% of the profit!” Feldspar blinked at before putting his whole hand up._

_“50%.” He said, monotonous as ever, which seemed to piss off the Grand Wizard more._

_“Fuck you! 50% my asshole, Feldspar!” The Grand Wizard boomed before he was pulled aside by the blond Paladin, who whispered a seemingly convincing argument into the Wizard’s ear._

_“Ugh, whatever.” The Grand Wizard grumbled before turning back to Feldspar._

_“Fine. 50%, but that’s only if you get the fucking jewel. If you return empty handed, you will regret it, thief.”_

_With that said, Feldspar was sent on his way to gather supplies for his journey and departed the next morning for lands unknown._

“U-Um, you alive? Oh God, did the trees kill you?! Oh no, I told them to leave you alone! Jesus Christ! Oh God, maybe they got p-pissed because I-I-I told them o-off...T-That’s why t-they threw y-you!” Feldspar blinked before recoiling from the blond figure leaning above him, their faces merely inches away and the other man's panicked expression moving closer with each exclamation.

“F...Fuck...Yo...You.” Feldspar weakly raised his fist then raised his middle finger before dropping it down and falling back into unconsciousness.

“Oh-Oh Jesus, he’s alive! T-Thank Christ I’m not a m-murderer!” Feldspar's savior screeched, shaking Feldspar's unconscious body in relief while happy tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Oh GOD DID I JUST KILL HIM AGAIN?!"


End file.
